Buffy and the Vampire: A Children's Story
by wiffyscoob
Summary: A Hellmouth Fanciful Tale.  Crack Fic


Disclaimer: Joss' peeps, not mine

**A/N:** So this is to keep y'all preoccupied while I continue maintenance on "The Phoenix".

-This is Crack. Total, total Crack. But I like to think quite fun and entertaining. Not to mention, proof of the weirdness of my inner mind.

-For some reason awhile back, the music from _Peter and the Wolf_ popped into my head. I loved it as a child and thought of a Wiffy way to adapt it.

For those who have never heard of it, it is a Russian children story set to music by the composer Prokofiev. Each character had a musical theme, which I obviously can't use, but I decided to paraphrase the story. Umm…at times, the paraphrasing lends itself more towards an "adult" sort of way. This is the BtVS version after all.

The Russian children's story uses a boy Peter; a cat; a bird; a duck; Peter's grandfather, hunters, and a wolf. The Hellmouth "children" story has 'Buffy the Slayer' as Peter, 'Xander the Prankster' as the cat, 'Willow the Young Witch' as the bird, 'Anya the Ex-Demon' as the duck, 'Giles the Watcher' as the grandfather, the 'Initiative' as the hunters, and (pre-chip) 'Spike the Vampire' as the wolf.

Most of the words and phrasing from the story are used **verbatim**, so don't blame me for any of that, if it sounds odd to you. I stuck as close as possible to these words and phrasing. One paraphrase example is when "the duck quacks" I used "Anya quacks" because the word also means to talk foolishly and loudly. Which, let's face it; Anya has a tendency to do.

If you have heard the story, then you can have the added fun of reading the story while the music plays in your head. If you haven't heard the story with the music, I like to think you will get a kick out of it anyways.

All you need to know is that the story is read in the Magic Box by Dawn; Dawn is not a key and has always been around; and Buffy and Willow have been a couple from the beginning so forget Angel exists and what season you are in.

Special thanks to my beta Didge. This story also appears on IKOLY2 (I Kind of Love You2). Whedonist was kind enough to format this story to post on that site. Ability to format things the way one intends is even more limited on here than IKOLY2. There are still few things I had to change due to its own limits, and it makes me crazy at times.

**Buffy and the Vampire: A Children's Story**

_**An adaptation of Prokofiev's "Peter and the Wolf" by Rupert Giles **_

_**Narrated by Dawn Summers**_

_**...  
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**This is the story of Buffy the Slayer and Spike the Vampire.**

**Are you sitting comfortably? Then I shall begin.**

_Early one night, Buffy the Slayer opened the cemetery gate and went into the big dark graveyard._

_On the Slayer's strong shoulders sat a young redhead, Buffy's girlfriend Willow the Young Witch. "All is quiet," chirped Willow gaily. "Yes, all is quiet."_

_Just then, Anya the Ex-Demon came waddling round. She was glad that Buffy hadn't closed the cemetery gate and decided to take a nice stroll while she counted her money._

_Seeing Anya, Willow jumped off the Slayer's shoulders down upon the grass and shrugged her shoulders. "What kind of ex-demon are you if you can't even count your money because you failed math?" _

_To this Anya replied, "What kind of witch are you when you can't even float a pencil?" and ducked behind a tombstone._

_They argued and argued, Anya darting between tombstones and Willow bouncing along, following her._

_Suddenly something caught Buffy's attention. It was Xander the Prankster sneaking through the grass._

_Xander thought, 'Willow is busy arguing with Anya. I'll just spook her.' Stealthily, he crept towards them._

"_Look out!" shouted Buffy and Willow immediately hopped behind the Slayer._

_Anya quacked at Xander from behind a tombstone. "All of your sneaking sexual playfulness in graveyards is reserved only for me, Xander!" _

"_Okay, bad visuals." Buffy shook her head and tried to clear the pictures from her mind._

"_Scarier than scary." Willow's eyes were wide, "So scary I'm scared cuz of the scariness and-" _

_Buffy grabbed the young witch and stopped her babble with a kiss._

_Meanwhile, Xander grinned goofily at his friends as he continued to sneak towards them. Suddenly he stopped in his tracks and thought, 'Is it worth it to tickle Willow now that my cover is blown and threats from Anya which means no sex later?'_

_Just then Giles the Watcher came into the graveyard. He was angry because Buffy had gone into the graveyard without her stakes. "It is a dangerous place. If a vampire comes out from a crypt, then what will you do?"_

_But Buffy paid no attention to Giles' words. Slayers like Buffy aren't afraid of vampires._

_But Giles took Buffy by the hand, locked the gate and led her to his stash of stakes in his car._

_No sooner had Buffy gone than Spike the Vampire came out of his crypt._

_In a twinkling, Xander and Willow climbed up into the tree. Anya quacked and in her excitement jumped out from her hiding place behind the tombstone. But no matter how hard Anya tried to run, she couldn't escape Spike._

"_Anya! Anya! Climb up the tree!" Xander shouted, waving to capture Anya's attention._

_Spike was getting nearer, nearer, catching up with her. Then he got her and with one quick bite drained her!_

_And now, this is how things stood: Xander was sitting on one branch, Willow on another, not too close to Spike._

_And Spike walked round and round the tree, looking at them with hungry eyes._

_In the meantime, Buffy heard her friends' fright and, without the slightest fear, gripped the stake Giles had given her. She ran from the cemetery gate towards the cries and climbed up on top of Spike's crypt next to the tree._

_Xander, ready to pounce on Spike, began to taunt the vampire. "I'm coming to get you, Captain Peroxide, and dust you!"_

_Spike laughed through his fangs. "If you think you can fight the Big Bad, then bring it on."_

_One of the branches of the tree around which Spike was walking stretched out over the top of the crypt._

_Grabbing hold of the branch Buffy lightly climbed over on to the large tree. Buffy said very quietly to Willow, "Jump down and run circles around Spike. Only take care that he doesn't catch you."_

"_But I can dust him with the pencils in my pocket while he's busy with Xander!" Protested the young witch quietly. _

_Buffy rolled her eyes, motioned slaying with her stake towards Spike, and whispered, "Now, Willow!" _

_Willow frowned but jumped down anyways, almost touching Spike's coat while he snapped angrily at her, this side and that._

_How Willow teased Spike! And how Spike wanted to catch her! But Willow the Young Witch was clever, and Spike the Vampire simply couldn't do anything about it._

_Meanwhile, Buffy readied her stake and jumped down behind Spike, surprising him. She caught his coat and pulled with all her might. Buffy wrapped Spike in his coat and set herself to stake him._

_Feeling himself caught, Spike began to jump wildly trying to get loose._

_But the Slayer only wrapped the coat tighter and the vampire's jumping only made the coat round his body tighter making it difficult to stake him._

_Just then soldiers came out of the woods, following Spike's trail and shooting as they came._

_Suddenly a wonderful idea popped into Buffy' mind, and she shouted, "Don't shoot! Willow and I have already caught Spike. We don't want you to take him to the Soldiers' Zoo." _

_The Slayer then grinned from ear to ear. "We're taking him to Giles' instead."_

_Now just imagine, just imagine the triumphant procession. Buffy the Slayer at the head. After her, the soldiers leading Spike the Vampire. And winding up the whole procession Giles the Watcher and Xander the Prankster._

_Giles shook his head discontentedly. "Well, if Buffy hadn't caught Spike, what then?" His eyes became wide. "Oh now, Dear Lord, I have to put him in my bathtub!"_

_Skipping alongside, Willow the Young Witch chirped merrily. "My, what brave Scoobies we are, Buffy and I! Look what we have caught!"_

_And if one looked far behind the procession, one would see Anya the Ex-Demon quacking to herself about this and that while counting her money, because the vampire in his hurry had left her still alive._

**The End**

**...  
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"What? I did it in a British accent, what more do you want?"

"You changed certain parts of the story!" Giles scolded while cleaning his glasses.

"I thought it was cute." Buffy kissed her mate's nose and Willow giggled, snuggled on her Slayer's lap. "In a Hellmouth-y sort of way."

Scrunching up her eyebrows, Willow noted, "But I could have done without the visual of Anya and Xander and sex."

"Are you not concerned over what Dawn was reading?" Giles' myopic eyesight sought the Slayer.

"Giles," Buffy stared her Watcher down, "there is nothing in this story that Dawn hasn't already heard coming out of," she turned to glare at Xander, "your honey's mouth."

Xander shrugged his shoulders, saying, "There's only so much I can do, Buff. She's got a mind of her own."

"See even Buffy is okay with it!" declared a bouncy and happy Dawn.

A Slayer death glare was aimed at the younger Summers. "Just because we can't control Anya, that does **not** mean you can discuss…that… in any way shape or form with your friends! And you are sooo **not** allowed to actually…actually…do…have...s-s-se-" Buffy paled, choking and gasping and wheezing.

"Sweetie, you're hyperventilating." Willow patted her love on the back, while giving her a peck on the cheek.

"Yes, the chastity belt still exists," Dawn said sarcastically and then murmured under her breath, still loud enough for Slayer hearing unfortunately. "Not for lack of trying."

"I heard that, Dawn!" Willow tightened her grip on her Slayer. Willow placed little love bites on the Slayer's neck, hoping to distract Buffy long enough for the sibling bickering to dissipate.

Unfortunately it didn't work.

"Buffy! I'm almost 18!"

"I don't care."

Having enough of Buffy and Dawn's antics, Willow jumped off Buffy's lap, and readied to do some serious mojo. With a flick of the wrist and some mumbled Latin, Willow caught the Slayer off guard, shooting her across the floor. Buffy hit the counter and landed unceremoniously on her butt.

"Will!" The Slayer whined rubbing her bum as she put on a show of struggling in using the glass counter to stand.

"You break that, you pay for it!" Buffy was subjected to a close up of Anya's face as the ex-demon leaned over the counter invading Buffy's personal space.

"No I break it: **you** pay for it." The Slayer growled causing Anya to back down, mumbling about Slayers and Wiccans destroying valuable merchandise, which of course leads to loss of sales and most importantly the loss of money.

Still rubbing her bum, the Slayer stumbled over to the table, gingerly sitting down.

"Please, Buffy." Willow rolled her eyes. "After nearly seven years, don't you think I know all of your tricks by now?"

Dawn giggled and Willow pointed her fingers at the teen, "Dawn, shut up. Throwing my love across the room is just the tip of a very cold iceberg. One word from either of you, and witch fu powers will be out in full blown force."

Grumbling, the two sisters ceased and desisted in brooding silence. Satisfied, Willow returned to her Slayer's lap.

Anya meanwhile (and wisely) decided to let sleeping dogs lie, and put in her own two cents regarding Dawn's version of Giles' story.

"Sex is the most natural thing in the world, Giles."

"This is a children's story, not…a…a…ah, blast!" Giles nearly broke his lens from rubbing so forcefully. Willow took pity on the frustrated Watcher.

"Giles, I know the original version was accompanied by music. Were you planning to read it with or without accompaniment?"

"With, actually." A slight smile crossed his face, returning his well-polished spectacles to his face. He could always count on Willow to understand his intent.

"G-man, you aren't actually thinking of reading it here were you?" Xander asked, scratching his head in thought at the wisdom of such an idea.

Buffy snorted, eyes widened in disbelief. "What happened to the whole "no one is supposed to know I exist" business?"

"Don't be ridiculous, Buffy. I would never present this story as anything other than as a fanciful tale. And I wasn't planning on reading it here." Giles relaxed, leaning back in his chair.

"As you know Halloween is making its appearance in a fortnight. And I have been asked to submit an alternative version of _Peter and the Wolf_ for a Halloween festival about three hours from here." The Watcher smiled as his mind lapsed into days gone by. "It takes me back to when I was a young lad taken to an All Hallow's Eve festival myself. I believe I was around eight when-"

"Giles!" Buffy interrupted, for in her mind at least, the sake of all those present, "I don't want to hear about your British Watchery childhood where you run around in those short pants you guys wear at boarding schools and play that bug game."

Willow giggled. "Cricket, Baby."

"Whatever. Just for once don't go on and on and on about crap we don't need to hear about and cut to the chase."

Giles shot the Slayer a dirty look while Willow just shrugged as if to say, "You know how she is, so why bother?"

"Fine." Giles continued to scowl, still rather annoyed. "To continue in answer to your inquiry, The Council will have absolutely no knowledge of this." Giles mood changed. He, as they say, thumbed his nose at Quentin Travers and the stuffy, tea and crumpet eating Council. Unable to quash a grin, he said, "The audience will only accept it as a whimsical children's story." Sobering, he glared at the Slayer's sister. "But I cannot submit this version, obviously."

"Giles, stop being a big baby. Just read your version. It's not like you have to use Dawn's." Anya called out from her perch, locking up the sacred money ready for the night's deposit.

"Anya that is not the point. Although you may rest assured, the appropriate changes will be made."

"If there is going to be any changing you need to change my part." Xander seized the story from Dawn's hands, feeling the need to protest his lack of manliness. "Hey! I would have been braver than that!" His brown eyes scanned the paper.

"Yes that is true regardless of which version you read. I know for a fact that my Xander would never leave me to Spike like that." Anya left the counter, and came over. She snatched the paper from Xander, examining it critically.

Annoyed, Buffy set Willow on her feet, and in a burst of Slayer speed, stole the paper from the ex-demon.

Despite the attempts of Anya, Buffy kept hold of the paper behind her back, "Anya. In the story, you got to talk about sex and money," Buffy glanced at Giles who removed his glasses, pinched the bridge of his nose and muttered, "Dear Lord". The Slayer continued on, seeking to pacify the ex-demon. "And even though Spike bit you, you lived to see another day to count your money."

"Yeah, you even managed to escape me trying to get you when we were arguing." Willow spoke up, and then the witch frowned. "Wait…I'm not sure I like that part…" The redhead grasped the paper from behind the unprepared Slayer, and began to peer at the story.

Buffy turned, scowling at the Wiccan, half in mind to pluck it back.

"I guess I did do pretty good after all!" With a happy smile, the ex-demon kissed Xander on the cheek and headed for the backroom while making sure no magickal stone was unturned or spell book was out of place along the way.

Breaking off her contemplation of the story, Willow shook the sheet of paper at her best male friend. "Look, Xander, you helped Buffy get Spike. You distracted him…well, okay, I did too…some if not most of the distracting… but we helped so Buffy could dust Spike! But Buffy didn't actually dust Spike…she just wrapped him in a coat and-"

Buffy stole this opportunity to snag the redhead into a full body deep long kiss, complete with occasional moaning from Willow. Xander's sad, confused expression lapsed into a state of catatonic bliss watching the Slayer and her witch.

Rising from her nearby chair, Dawn hit Xander on the shoulder.

"Ow! That hurt, Dawnie!" and it did hurt. When did the girl get so strong?

Ignoring his protest, and standing firm, the younger Summers demanded, "Stop ogling my sister and Willow. It gives me the creeps."

"Then why did you put it in the story?"

Dawn leaned into Xander conspiratorially "I knew Giles would never use it." She smirked. "I just did it to torment him!"

Xander and Dawn glanced at the poor watcher who was occupied with rubbing his brow and murmuring to himself about annoying teenagers.

"And I believe you have succeeded in your mission, Dawnmeister." The corners of Xander's mouth twitched as he gave Dawn the once over. "And may I just say; that was worthy of the Buffster."

"Oh please," Dawn scoffed. "That was so much better than anything Buffy could come up with."

Xander arched an eyebrow. "You think so, huh?"

A more than pleased with herself Dawn replied, "Definitely."

Not commenting, Xander shouted in the direction of the backroom. "Hey, Ahn! Come out, we're all going to get some pizza…" He winked at Dawn as he turned and spoke in normal tone to the still lip-locked couple "and watch Buffy and Willow wrestle naked in pizza sauce."

His usual humor brought a roll of the eyes from Dawn but it did its job cutting through the haze of kissage. That and the inescapable lack of air caused the Slayer and her witch came up for air.

"Did you say something, Xander?" Buffy asked between pants.

"I said I am in need of pepperoni cheesy goodness, and…" Xander pointed to the harried watcher "it's time to leave G-man alone."

"Yes, please do." Giles grumbled, glowering at the Scoobs.

"Mmm, sounds very of the good." Buffy smacked her lips in anticipation.

Xander wrapped his arm around Dawn's shoulder, mischief in his eyes. "Dawn's buying by the way."

"I am soooo not buying." Dawn protested. "You are the one who suggested it. That means you are of the buying, not me."

Xander grinned, "Like I said, more and more like the Buff everyday."

And promptly ducked to avoid Dawn's swing he knew was coming.


End file.
